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  • Writer's pictureJim Pfiffer

Full of Wit

Many happy returns? Don’t bet on it.

Written by Jim Pfiffer

Illustrated by Filomena Jack

Christmas is over and the time for giving is now the time for returning all those unwanted gifts.

Unfortunately, today’s product return policies are getting stricter and more difficult to use. If they get any worse, we will soon see return policies like this:

Here at we promise a money-back guarantee because we want you to be completely satisfied with your purchase. If you are not fully satisfied, for any reason, well, that’s your problem. Your best bet is to re-gift your gift.

If you choose to return it, we charge a return fee that is double what was paid for your product. Do you still want to continue with your return efforts?

If you do, it’s a waste of time, but so be it. Here’s what else you need to know:

  • If your item is out of stock, well, tough shit. You can’t expect us to know how many of your fussy and mollycoddled customers are going to request replacement items, for silly reasons like “wrong size,” “didn’t like the color” or “it burst into flames and burned our home to the ground.” Get real.

  • Customer support: Start by contacting customer support, where you will be put on hold for several hours, then get disconnected. When you call back you will be put on hold again for a few days until one of our two operators answers, but you won’t be able to understand either of them because of their heavy foreign accents.

Note: all returns must include the original sales receipts, or they will not be processed, and we won’t return your product or your money. Here are the terms of our “no questions asked,” 30-day return policy:

  • Packaging: Pack your item, in its original condition, in its original box including all documentation, tags, stickers, tape, staples, pins, twine, wadded-up brown packing paper, foam peanuts, bubble wrap (please don’t pop the bubbles cuz you like the sound they make) and the stubborn hard-plastic clamshell container that we can’t believe you were able to open without slicing up your fingers. Include all accessories that came with the product. If you threw away or damaged the original box, packaging items or accessories, stop here. We will not replace your item(s). I guess you should have read the microscopic print in our 164-page online legalese-written warrantee before you checked the “I agree,” box.

  • If you have met all packaging requirements, and still believe you will get a refund, you can send the package using any shipping service you choose. We don’t give a shit because you are responsible for all shipping costs. Why don’t you just stop this foolishness right now?

  • You really are boneheaded, aren’t you? If by some snowball chance in hell, we make a mistake and your order is shipped, we will provide you with a tracking number that will enable you to monitor the status of your order once you create a password (we won’t like it and will make you try dozens of variations), tell us your mother’s maiden name, your first pet’s maiden name and prove that you are not a robot by sending us a full-frontal nude photo of yourself.

  • Refund: Are you kidding me? If you are so pig-headed and ignorant that you actually paid a hefty fee to send us the product, we will inspect it to ensure that it meets our return policy conditions, which it won’t. I can tell you that right now. So why don’t you save us all these hassles and end this silly ploy?

Illustration by Filomena Jack.

Remember, at the beginning of this document, we told you it was a “no-questions-asked” policy. That changed when you decided to waste our time. From here on out, we’ll ask the questions, and you damn well be answering them.

  • Do you understand?

  • We reserve the right to deny all product returns that were damaged due to your misuse, carelessness or stupidity. And you must be really stupid to still be reading this policy when you should have realized by now that you ain’t gonna get a damn thing from us.

If you need more information and additional help with your return, don’t hesitate to contact (LOL!) those same unhelpful customer support representatives we mentioned earlier in this document. Good luck. (LOL)

Note: Customer calls will be answered in the order in which they were placed. You’re estimated wait time is between now and next Christmas.

PS: As for our, money-back guarantee: We guarantee you won’t get your money back. We tried to tell you this was a waste of your time.

Thank you for your business,

All of us, here, on the team

Contact: 1-800-FOR-SHIT or

About this feature

Southern Tier Comedy Shop is a feature meant to tickle your funny bone. Get more Jim Pfiffer humor on his Facebook page, his FullOfWit blog, and his podcast The Viewsroom on Zoom with Pfif & AWAC. 

To contact and learn more about Filomena Jack and to see her artwork go to


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