• Jim Pfiffer

Dogs unleash their advice on life

Updated: May 31

Weekly humor column by Jim Pfiffer, Elmira NY


I’ve had pet dogs all my life. They are loyal, playful and great companions. I’ve learned a lot from my canine friends and discovered that they have their own set of social rules and norms. Below are some of those rules:

  • Toilet bowl cocktails should never be served before 4 p.m. and always remember to put the seat up.

  • Never wear those silly dog sweaters. If your owner insists that you do, run away. Run Spot, run!

  • If you unexpectedly pass gas, blame the cat.

  • When walking on a leash and you see a squirrel, always wait until there is no traffic before violently yanking your master’s shoulder out of the socket and pulling him into the street while giving chase.

  • During social gatherings, refrain from talking about your “bad case of worms.” Bad dog!

  • It’s never acceptable to say, “It’s a dog-eat-dog-world,” even in jest.

  • When riding in a car, bring paper towels to wipe your nose prints off the window. If you stick your head out the front passenger window to enjoy the rushing air, make sure no one sits in the rear passenger seat with the window down because your slobber will splatter all over their face.

  • Remember, all breeds of dogs are created equal – except those annoying yapping poodles.

  • If your wagging tail accidentally knocks over someone’s drink, it’s acceptable to use a cat or poodle to wipe up the spill. Good boy!

  • Pointing is acceptable when hunting pheasants or grouse, but not in social settings.

  • Never lick yourself and then lick your master’s face.

  • After your master bathes you and brushes and trims your fur, it is acceptable to find some stinking garbage or dead animal to roll in. When on a date, the male dog should always let the female dog select the rotting and festering dead animal carcass.

  • It’s okay to run away if you hear your owner spell any of these words: “b-a-t-h, v-e-t and n-e-u-t-e-r.”

  • To not embarrass your master, when on a walk and you have to poop, wait until your master is looking the other way and pretending that he has no idea what you are doing. Good girl!

  • When out on the town with friends, don’t act like a pack of wild dogs. Remember, we’re domesticated. Sit! Stay!

  • If you accidentally soil the carpet, blame the cat. Blame the cat for everything.

  • When a human scratches your belly, be sure to respond with that cute and allegedly uncontrollable “rapid leg thumping.” It will likely get you a few biscuits. Rollover!

  • When your master tries to hide pills in your food, it is acceptable to spit them out, but be sure to cover your mouth to avoid spreading germs and bad dog breath.

  • No matter how mean your master may be, seeing eye dogs should never ever walk them into utility poles, not even on a double-dog-dare.

  • Don’t race to the door barking every time the doorbell rings, because it’s hardly ever for you. Stay!

  • When in doubt, sniff it, pee on it and walk away.

  • When your master comes in the house, even if he has been away for a few minutes, excitedly wag your tail, bark, jump around and lick his face like you haven’t seen him for seven dog years (It may get you a belly rub and a biscuit).

  • Your bark may be worse than your bite, but your farts are lethal. Go lay down!

  • If you are in obedience school, never use the excuse “I ate my homework.”

  • When on a dinner date, and you’re not sure which fork is your salad fork, don’t worry. Real dogs don’t eat salad.

  • Never ever attend a flea market. Duh!

Jim Pfiffer’s humor column posts every Sunday on the Jim Pfiffer Facebook page, Hidden Landmarks TV Facebook page West Elmira Neighborhood and ElmiraTelegram.com. Jim lives in Elmira with his wife, Shelley, and many pets. He is a retired humor columnist with the Elmira Star-Gazette newspaper and a regular swell guy. Contact him at pfifman@gmail.com.

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